Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hormones, anyone?

Wow. I was irritable last night. I haven’t been that irritable since I was on the Depo-Provera shot, which is why I know that it’s hormones and not me. (If you or anyone you love is thinking about getting the Depo shot, talk to me first and I’ll tell you why in the name of all the is Holy you should NOT) I’m talking about the kind of irritable that puts you so on edge you feel like the irritation is crawling under your skin and trying to come out your fingertips. Literally. It started when I went to bed around 10. Nathan was already asleep, since he’s been working nights and sleeping days. He was sleeping in the middle of our King size bed. I asked him a few nights ago to please sleep on his side of the bed instead of the middle, because I need to sleep with a body pillow to be comfortable right now and there wasn’t room for the 3 of us all on my side of the bed. Well last night I was trying to sleep wrapped around the body pillow with Nathan right up against me and I was irritated. Now the reason I know this wasn’t me is because I typically love to have him sleep next to me. But all I wanted was space. I think part of the problem was that I was feeling sick to my stomach and every time he touched me I felt like throwing up. Then I started getting claustrophobic, there between him and my pillow, so I give up some comfort and kick the pillow to the floor. Finally , a little space. I drift off to sleep. Next thing I know, Nathan’s phone is blaring out some rock song on the nightstand RIGHT NEXT TO MY HEAD!!! In a daze I hit at it, thinking it’s my alarm. It falls to the floor and stops ringing. I doze back off. Then it starts trilling notes to signal a voicemail. I think I said a dirty word in my head. I pick up the phone and listen to the voicemail. It’s one of Nathan’s supervisors, so I tell Nathan to call him. I fall back to sleep. A couple minutes later the phone rings. Now he’s talking and I can’t sleep. I want to claw him. He hangs up, and I go back to sleep. The phone rings again, same routine. At this point I have a horrible mean nasty thought: “I wish my husband would have to go to work tonight so I can have the bed to myself.” Almost no sooner do I think that than he tells me he has to get up and go to work. He puts his arm around me to cuddle for a minute (another thing I usually love) and I find it all I can do to reciprocate with my hand on his side. Every time he moves the bed moves and my stomach revolts. The irritation is trying to bust out my fingertips. I want to scream, “Don’t touch me! Just leave so I can sleep!”

“Wow,” I hear you saying, “What a little twirp she is!” Yes, I’m not proud of the way I felt about things last night. BUT, here’s the good part. I realized that my poor husband wasn’t actually doing anything wrong except for breathing. I realize that pregnancy can make you very irritable at times. And so, with the rational part of my brain still working a little, I held my tongue. I did not snap at Nathan. I was not mean or irritable to my sleeping husband. The only thing I said to him was that his supervisors owed me for half an hour of missed sleep and three wake ups. I told him I loved him. I gave him a kiss and a hug. I thanked God for self-control, and fell asleep. At this point I can’t always control if I feel sick or irritated. But I can control how I react to those feelings. I’ll blame the crying over stupid commercials on tv on pregnancy. That won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. I’ll blame my forgetfulness on Pregnancy Brain—I really can’t control much of that one. But if I snap at my honey because I’m irritated, or I hurt his feelings then that one’s on me. I’m sure that I may not always catch it before it spews out of my mouth, but with God’s help I’ll do my best. I really don’t want to be one of those pregnant shrew ladies like we saw at the maternity store last weekend.


Dusty Penguin said...

Oh, I hate that feeling of being totally out of control of my emotions and behavior. Thankfully I don't experience that anymore, but I well remember the years when I did, and how often I did react to the feelings instead of controlling my behavior. It does require God's help...you can't do it on your own. And if you do lose it, ask forgiveness.

Dusty Penguin said...

We need a new post:)))Maybe some pics of those cute maternity tops you've been getting:)